My message to anyone who is in love with an abuser

I know it’s hard. I’ve been there. In love with someone who hurt me.

I’ve tried telling myself that everything is fine and it’s all going to work out somehow.  Convinced myself that I could make things better. I’ve taken on the mission to bring back the perfect relationship so that I didn’t have to leave. Stayed on my best behavior. I’ve been brave and forgiving and promised that I would always be there.

I’ve tried to rationalize away the feelings. Ripped up pictures. Given myself pep talks about why I deserve more. Reached out to other people for help. Tried drinking until I was numb. Pretended like I didn’t care. I’ve practiced the conversation in my head over and over of exactly how I would say each word “I can’t be with you anymore. You’re not good for me. I’m leaving you.” Only to feel the terror pull back the words before they make it through my lips.

Back and forth I’ve gone. Back and forth. Losing pieces of myself. Slowly. Like grains of sand falling through an hourglass.  Counting down until I was completely empty and numb. And then I’ve thought, “Maybe I’m the crazy one. Maybe I’m just lucky that anyone loves me. Maybe this is as good as it gets.”

I know what it’s like to be in a place where the only thing worse than staying is leaving. And the only things worse than leaving is to stay.

I know what it’s like to feel loneliest when you are with laying right next to someone. I know how hard those nights are. The ones spent staring at the numbers on the clock as they change, one by one, second by second through the night. I know the painful mornings. Standing in the shower staring at the water falling down the drain, hardly feeling the drops against my face. I know the coldness of the bathroom tile against my cheek. I’ve laid there, on that floor with you. Praying. Wishing. Silently begging for someone to help me and to tell me what I am supposed to do.

If you are wondering if there’s something better out there…if there’s more in store for you, the answer is yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. A million, trillion times, YES.

There is so much more in life. More love. More adventures. More heartbreak too, but also more growing and learning. If you are stuck in a relationship with someone who hurts you, you might not be able to see it right now, but don’t let go of the promise of something more. Listen to that nagging voice inside that knows deep down that you deserve better. You are so much stronger than you think. You’re so much smarter than you know. You’re fucking awesome and you only get this one life to be the person you were made to be. Don’t give that life to someone else. Don’t let it go. Don’t feel guilty or selfish about fighting for yourself. You owe it to the universe. To whatever God you believe in. To your children (current or future). You owe it to that person out there that you might not have met yet that wants to love you the right way. But most importantly, you owe it to yourself.

I used to wait for a sign. For some outside source to tell me that I wasn’t going nuts and that I needed to get out. Get away. Start fighting for myself. If you are like me, and are waiting for a sign….this is it. From someone who has been to the deepest depth of the hell of abuse. From someone who believed it was impossibile to break up with my abuser. From someone who could barely make it through the night a few years ago… Trust me. It’s hard. It hurts like hell. But leave. It is the most important thing you will ever do. He’s not going to change. Things aren’t going to get better if you stay. You already know what you should do so trust yourself.

“Future you” says thanks.

111 Comments

  1. Please don’t stop writing…. Im only a week out. Im lonely and scared!!!! Please keep writing for me!!!! Im fighting. Im away and safe for now but don’t stop blogging please!!!!! This is the best thing I’ve heard since I was told I was able to leave. Don’t stop please I need this.

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    • Thank you for reading! Hang in there. I promise it gets better. And remember that you are never alone. <3

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      • Thank you for writing this awesome piece, it’s so true-that nagging voice is telling me leave leave leave but I can’t stop wishing and hoping things will get better. All the sob stories pull me back and I know I can do better but …there’s always a but! I tried to leave for a whole month and now he’s found a way to talk to me again. I hate this ! I love him but at the same time it’s killing me!

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        • Feather, I am sorry. I meant to reply to the article. However, I do also understand your plight! I am now actually being told by my boyfriend that I am the cause of our problems because I break up with him s much. And I do. It is disrespectful for me to do this to him. It’s certainly NOT the cause of our problems, however! I just seem to reach boiling points in which my anger and frustration give me the strength I need to leave but after that passes, I find that I really don’t want to lose him. Because I love him. Because his healthier side is absolutely wonderful. I know how hard it is. The one you love and that says he loves you treats you like he really doesn’t but we want that to be untrue. I feel like for me, this is the man I want to be with forever but I can’t justify staying in this relationship anymore. It’s horrible. It’s lonely without him but lonely with him, too. I am hoping that support groups like this can give us the validation and strength we need to be able to see our situations clearly. Again, for myself, I feel that if there is any chance of working this out for us, I am willing to keep trying for now. However, if he is unwilling, then I am going to have to build the strength to end it. Do you have a line that can help you know when you have reached a point of no return?

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          • Karla, your experience resonates with me completely. I have been with my “partner” for 6 years, and I equally love him and hate him. He also has a beautiful, empathetic and generous side, but he is so unpredictable and quick to anger that I have always walked on eggshells. He guilts me for leaving him over and over, but it is always after an emotionally and/or physically abusive outburst on his part that I actually snap into reality enough to know that I deserve better. He has also made me feel like maybe I am the crazy one by constantly projecting his own issues and behaviors. I have also been willing to jump through hoops over and over again: maybe if I just do it differently next time, etc. etc. He puts me under the microscope constantly, all the while telling me I never take ownership over my actions. Up is down and left is right; it makes me feel legitimately crazy. I am in the process of leaving him now after an incident I even reported to the police, and I STILL feel bad about “making it hard” for him during this process.

          • I know how you feel. I am addicted to him. I know he loves me no matter what text DSM-V says on the matter, but he can’t break the cycle. I also know how unhealthy it is, I have “analysis paralysis”. He’s like a drug , the high makes me feel like queen of the world, the low times I feel lower than a worm. No one fits the exact textbook profile of a abuser and a victim but when it’s all said and done my safety has to come first- rather I keep telling myself. I left him once it almost killed me. I’m probably seriously codependent. I just feel trapped. When he came along it felt like my little cry break- now I’m praying for nothing to break, even the eggshells I tiptoe on. So I know how you feel, it’s very grey, should be black and white, logic over emotion but every time I look at him he’s the handsomest , smartest man if I could just reach him… I’m trying to find the strength to leave but my god ,it’s a struggle. It’s hard for a woman to forget her heart……

          • My point of no return was when i was reading a letter to my ex while he was in jail and the only thing he acknowledged was the one mean thing I said about him despite all the good things. I hung up on him, blocked the number and have not looked back. I realized in that moment that after a year of me exahusted, scared, depressed and trying to make it work, that he wasnt going to change. One day something as simple as that will make that click like a light switch that will make you want to truelly be done.

        • 99% of the time they never change I’m divorcing after 32 years he was controlling and his way always. had no opinion he was a slob and would not change. I am glad he is gone and not looking back. It’s hard as I loved him so but he’s not the same person I fell in love with. Find your strength. Think of you now for a change you can never please someone who does not think they even have a problem.

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          • Hi, I just divorced after 33 years. Same situation. The most difficult decision of my life. I still can’t believe I did this! Having a hard time making decisions and dealing with being alone. Yes, you’re right hard to deal with a person who does not take responsibility for their actions. I miss my old life, my house and my family being together but not the control or abusive ways.

          • How are you now? Did you stay away? 32 years is a long time. I have been in my abusive marriage for 32 years – there must be more to life – – I hope you are ok – you are much braver than me. I can’t leave – I still love him

          • I know this is an old post but I am currently in a mentally abusive relationship and I want to believe that it can turn out okay still even after all the horrendous things that he has done. I wonder if I am crazy to even think about continuing with him. And I am. But the one thing that lets me know for sure that it will not ever work is that he does not believe that he has done anything wrong. It is literally crazy. Can’t work towards anything until people accept what they have done and who they are.

      • I’m so glad I found this. I rarely sleep, and I live in constant fear. Our marriage happened very fast. Didn’t quite know what was happening to me. Nearly 18 yrs later & after suffering a nervous breakdown it’s all becoming clear. Very ready
        to end my marriage & start a new. But we have 2 beautiful daughters together so how I’m going to have to deal with him forever. The sad part is my children dont quite know how to deal with their dad. I’m so disappointed in myself for allowing this torture to go on. The really sick part is that his mother who made him this way trapped me & made everything worse. The counselors I’m working with are helping but I will never trust again & I have no one anymore. I fear most that when my daughter’s are adults they will never come see me because of what I allowed. Please keep this post up. Reading it made cry so much because for years I thought I was crazy as he belittled and berated me. Now I feel I’m worthless and incapable of accomplishing anything. A shadow of my former self. Finding things like this give me a hope for the future.

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        • I have been w my sons father for ten years . its so much worse since my son who is 2 was born. He is a crazy sick disgusting boy. I don’t know how much more I can take. Please don’t take this in a mean or putting u down way but I don’t want to be you I don’t want to spend another year or decade like this. I’m scared hell kill me before I can leave if I didn’t have a 14 ur old daughter who now talks to me this way as well and A toddler who gets mad hits spits kicks and pulls my hair I’d wish he would just kill me and it would be done. But I have amazing smart healthy beautiful kids who deserve a great life and mom .

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          • I hope you made it out. I am going through the same thing. My 10 year old daughter is now as abusive of me as he was. He is mainly out of the house now but he has her stalk my every move and report back to him. She verbally abuses me and berates me. Some days I wish I could die. He is a police officer and it took 14 calls over 10 years for anything to be done. The beaten and bruised face is what it took. He was suspended but now back to work. The psychological abuse is the worst. After the arrest it is worse. We are going through a divorce but he has smeared my name to anyone who will listen.

        • I left the love of my life about 7months ago. At one time he and I were very happy together. He was very generous and would sacrifice so much just to see me smile. He helped me raise two daughters from a previous marriage. I was so grateful for this much needed support. He was my knight in shining armor so to speak. I felt he was heaven sent. He always did have some controlling ways but I was willing to deal with it.. After all, he was doing so much for me and the girls. But soon his control became unbearable. He verbally abused me in front of my girls. He would often loose control and hold me down or in a corner by applying pressure to my face, neck, or arms. It was painful and sometimes I could not breath. But I could not bring myself to leave him. I felt that together we created the complete family that I always wanted. This family was all I had and I didn’t want to let it go. I thought if I stayed things would get better. But it didn’t.. It got worst. I fell into a deep depression. I thought I was going to die from depression. Then one day while he was grabbing me I yelled for someone to call the police. It didn’t even seem like the yell came from me. I couldn’t believe I did that. But I did it again and again. The police came and I was able to leave. I didn’t have no where to go. Shelters were full. But I still left. That was 7 months ago. Me and the girls just got into our iwn apartment last month. The road was long and hard but we made it. I was scared and sometimes I still feel pain and fear about being alone and loosing my family. But the peace that me and the girls have now always out weighs the fear and pain. I don’t have much.. I lost everything I had. My apartment is so tiny, but it’s sooo peaceful. Just go.. Everything else will fall into place. You just have to walk out that door and that’s when your life will start to change for the better.

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          • I cry as I read this. I Love my alcoholic husband it breaks my heart that I will never be enough for him to stop drinking and love me like he does when he is sober

          • Thank you.

      • I am a man I recently got out of an emotionally / mentally abusive relationship. I love her still and part of me still wants to go back to her if she would have me..It is an odd one. The whole thing went bad I ran..Then remotely she plays games of wanting and not wanting me..to watch me squirm..She will tell e she wants nothing to do with me and then If she doesn’t hear from me for a couple days she becomes concerned and calls me..It is so confusing and I just want to be loved..and yet I don’t feel like I deserve it..I can’t take anymore…I do not feel so good at all and feel close to giving up on life. It has forced me into therapy..I am on meds for the depression..but my heart wont stop beating her name..I am hopeless. Every sunrise brings my heart back to her..If only she would change. I know I ca’t stop loving her..ever and t is so messed up! Your story was so much like mine I felt myself in it. I am scared. I don’t know what is going to happen to me. I have children.I am afraid this Depression may take me. and I might do the wrong thing and remove myself from the equation.

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        • this scares me as this is exactly how i am feeling right now.

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        • God bless you and I understand. I live this as well. I ask what is wrong with me? Why do I want someone who is so terrible to me. I hope you made it through

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    • Thank you so much for this. I feel that you do truly understand. This was me in 15 years of marriage, me now trying to coparent with my abuser, and me now in another relationship with a man who I actually have known for over 20 years and who I am madly in love with. Have you ever known of a situation in which an abuser, once aware, can work toward change successfully? When I tell him that an action of his is abusive he immediately responds with concern and a willingness to fix what was wrong. This keeps me hopeful.

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    • You know how love so gs can send you back a trillion steps??? So I started to listen to them on Purpose, only this time id picture a new good kind man singing them to me. I know hes out there. A good strong supportive man that will be sent by God and not the devil! It made me warm and happy to think of a man like this and basking in those thoughts made my addiction flesh and blood asshole and shell of a man fade. Im totally in love with my future man 🙂 also I saw somewhere written: “do what you love and youll meet someone who loves you for it”. Get out do you and find someone who can appreciate your uniqueness.

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    • I feel you. Its been a week..this helps me to keep walking away sometimes I feel guilty, miserble and helpless.. thank you for writing this. I feelmim not alone

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    • Beautiful

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    • I’m 4 weeks out, in a wheelchair and staying with my daughter and family. Gradually getting things done, but so, so heartbroken..

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    • Hi, how are you doing now? It’s been two months for me.I’m certainly feeling the aftermath of it all. I don’t miss him…I thought once he left I would bounce right back! No…I’m worse! Realizing all he did to me. Everything I do, I hear his criticisms in my head.

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      • I feel guilty for leaving him two days ago but also relleaved I only been with him six months and one day we got into an argument I was in the bathroom in the mirror he was threaten to leave me so I said go ahead go he head butted me I called the police he stayed he even choked me n broke my window with my head and right after Christmas we was arguing so I called the police he caught me on the phone by time they got thier I had a broken nose two black eyes my teeth went in my lips and stitches in top of my nose he did three weeks still took him back with broken promises n now I got wise I was done after he hit me in my face with his face. He is a really insecure man very needy I couldn’t even get alone time in another room I had to b rite thier by him then I’m ignoring him if I don’t speak or say nothing never took interested in nothing I say I just changed my number earased all the pictures numbers that was accosiated with him so I’m never going back. It’s to bad because he had nothing he was scared of losing me but the way he was acting he really lost me I feel alot better I can b myself now don’t have to worry about having a conversation with anyone else without being accused. Starting to love myself

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        • And he even threw away the food put something in my milk because I left him or put him out try to destroy my stuff he truly need help. But I’m in a better place

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    • I’m sitting in my car right now…one finger from calling the guy I left. Feeling scared, like it won’t get any better than this. I’ve even thought that I made a mistake…that if I go back, maybe he will change, maybe he really loves me. I know in my heart though the truth. It hurts. It’s been almost a month now. I’m trying, hard. Please don’t stop writing. You stayed my finger once again.

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    • Please help me….my daughter is upset that he is gone…He would beat me when she was gone…I love him but I don’t trust him…please please help me..

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    • I am a week out! The final straw was throwing me around in front of my daughter. I felt so wrong calling the police days later but knew that I had no choice. I’m a shadow of the woman I was 4 years ago. However, a week on and my kids feel better and happier as free from his control and shouting. I just feel lonely. Only ever wanted love. Love has no conditions though. Sexual, physical, emotional, financial, psychological and physical abuse isn’t love. I’m loving myself from now on. I don’t feel worth much right now, feel damaged but I know my heart is good and true and one day I’ll shine again

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    • what happens when they leave you and then only you realise that they have been emotionally abusing you but you just cannot take it and you cannot live with the pain of being without them so you keep running back to them and it keeps hurting … what then

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  2. My boyfriend used to threaten to leave constantly, stay out all hours, didn’t bother to find a job and drank all the time not to mention the drugs and ignoring my phone calls, bullying me, calling me fat and ugly and things I can’t even write here! This went on for two and a half years! I threw him out twice! He wormed his way back in. I kept saying to myself he has a good heart is a good person but then I started to think he might be that but he is not that to me. He was a liar, someone who crippled my self esteem and blamed me for EVERYTHING that went wrong in his life. I could do no right. One week after him disrespecting me, lying to me, ignoring me and staying out all night I decided I would treat him as an inconvenience like he had treated me in my own home for the last two and a half years. He lasted a week and a half of me not being interested in anything that he said, no including him in my life or plans, and treating him like he was something annoying in my life which doesn’t deserve attention. He lasted a week and a half! He packed his things two weeks ago and left. This time though he made the choice and I made sure that was clear so he couldn’t manipulate me into feeling guilty about the fact that he didn’t have a roof over his head or that I had left him. I moved my house around and am trying to move my life back into first gear instead of reverse! It is hard, there are some days when I feel like my heart is breaking or that I am crazy to still love him but I know the only thing worse than him leaving would be for me to let this abuser back in the door! Stay strong! Slowly the brainwashing, the manipulation, the guilt, the pain of rejection, the loss of my best friend and the making me feel crazy still will fade away and I know I will be better off. It is just so hard to remember that HE IS NOT MY PROBLEM anymore! Thanks for this awesome write up it gave me some strength when I was having a weak moment, I’ve bookmarked it so I can read this everyday to remember!

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    • I’m so sorry for everything you have been through. I admire your strength. Hang in there. It will get better. <3

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      • I loved the post. My x and I have been broken up for a year. It still hurts. Every once and awhile I hear from him. He just wants to punish me,

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    • You said two things that I will have to remember forever as to never get sucked back in. He has a good heart, but not to me!! Oh how true this is for my partner, he is good to everyone and won’t kill an insect, but batter and stab me, call me all the names under the sun!! The other HE IS NOT MY PROBLEM!!! The guilt I felt leaving him, he can’t cook or do anything on his own, I felt so bad for going…… Thank you for sharing your words, they will stay with me forever xxx

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  3. Holy shit! This is insanely true. I’ve had a gazillion internal wars with myself about leaving, staying, leaving, staying…
    Is he a terrible person or did my caring make him that way? Was I too mother-like? Did I make him feel like it was okay to do what he did. He’d look me in the eye and lie to me like it was nothing, like I didn’t know. I’ve had at least a million relapses but not this time. I’m cutting him out of my life like I should have years ago.

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  4. I’ve been up all night, cried myself to sleep for a couple of hours, and got back up to confusion. He doesn’t physically abuse me and honestly he doesn’t call me bad words. Sometimes I think it me, he says things like ” your crazy, something is wrong with you, your too sensitive,why do I need to talk to you I live here” There are days when I really think he is doing things to hurt me on purpose, but if I bring them up, he get angry and again I’m crazy or there is something wrong with me. I tried talking to him but I might as well be talking to a wall, no matter what I say or how I say it, he makes it so it me not him.thank you for this post, j hope I still have the strength when I get up to break this off but I don’t think I’m ready. I was an independent single mom or two when we met, and now I barely recognize myself .

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    • Natacha, I’m so sorry you are in this situation and for everything you have been through. I just want you to know that you are never alone. Keep fighting for yourself and trusting yourself. You can find a way back and you deserve so much more. Thanks for reading and for commenting. <3

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    • I hope you are free and well now.

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    • The first step is to educate yourself about the techniques he is using. When you do that, you will know for sure that what he is doing is on purpose.

      I suggest two very well written books: “30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics” and “In Sheeps Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Maniplualtive People”.

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      • I too have lived this life for 2 years. I truly love this man, he is a beautiful person. He has treated me the best anyone has ever treated me and unfortunately the worst anyone has ever treated me. That’s why it’s so hard to leave.

        I stayed because I wanted to see how the story ends. I’m not proud of that, I’m just being honest. I kept thinking something would happen. He would leave or he would change. I knew I would never leave. I’m the person who stays through good times and bad (ugh) He constantly accused me of being unfaithful. Then he put me under a microscope and said he couldn’t trust me because I was a liar. Always looking for something. That’s when you start walking on eggshells. For me, most days were good. Others…..I could feel the tension…I knew it was coming. The insults turned to cursing me, then the threats turned to violence. He destroyed sentiment irreplaceable items to hurt me. And all of these punishments were over things he created in his mind. They never took place. I was never unfaithful, I never flirted with other men. It’s hard to fight that imaginary scenario. I would coddle him and tell him how much I loved him and how I would never hurt him.

        Then slowly I started to stand up for myself. By that I mean, I would just say, That didn’t happen, I’m sorry you feel that way and ignore him. I couldn’t deal with it any longer. One night in a fit of rage he demanded my phone or threaten to destroy something very valuable and sentimental of mine. I told him no and walked away. He destroyed the item and I called the police. The hardest thing in the world is that phone call. But even harder was the aftermath. The police said no one was hurt, it’s a civil matter and left. He tortured me the entire night until around 4am. Careful not to leave a mark on me. He took my phone, I had no way to get help. On Monday I sought help through the court/domestic violence/victims advocate. It was so hard. I don’t want to discourage anyone, that’s the last thing I want to do. But it was awful. He was prior law enforcement and it made my life hell. I had tons of proof of the things he did to me. Bruises, my dog with his eye cut open and messages where he admitted to doing these things. He even admitted I deserved these things for lying and cheating. I did get a temporary restraining order and an attorney. It was really terrifying to me and I am a strong person. I could go on forever about how many things were mishandled. When the attorney checked his background 65 pages of previous domestic violence and violence related charges. All of them dropped or reduced. Absolutely horrifying. As of today he has violated the injunction 8 times. I have agreed to a long term temporary restraining order because that was the advice of my attorney.

        I feel that I have handled everything the best way possible. I’ve never been in this situation before. Obviously, he has many times and he knows the law. He knows just how to manipulate the system in his favor. His behavior will never change. I see that now because of all the previous charges. I’m glad I was only in it for 2 years. Saddest part….I still love him and wish he could have changed.

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  5. I made the mistake of falling in love quickly, moving into someones home very quickly. I should mention that it’s not his home, that it belongs to the council. I fell in love with someone who I once thought was caring, gentle, funny, independent, matureon, someone who always answered the phone and never made me feel unimportant or ignored to them. In the past 5 months he has become an angry, agressive, dispondant, depressed, stuborn stranger to me. He says i have no right to tell him to get back into work since he ‘never runs out of money’. despite the fact it has nothing to do with money i simply would rather not have a partner who’s got no motivation, and looks lazy to the outside world, including me. I resent going to job interviews when he doesn’t even bother. Just excuse after excuse. His language is cruel when he is faced with something he doesnt like. As a child he was sent to a special school because his behaviour was so appauling .I fear that this has continued into adulthood and i havent noticed til recently. we have had violent fights previously. I had him arrested. There are things he does for me, and reasons i have stayed. He is very good at cooking cleaning DIY, he doesnt ever go out and get drunk, he doesn’t chat with other women or flirt. he is not immature in that sense. He just thinks since hes raised himself and therefore doesnt need anybody elses input in a relationship. I feel like i have no voice. Today, I actually spoke to my mother for the first time properly in a few weeks and feel much better, much stronger. she has reminded me that if something doesnt feel right its not deserving of your time. Normally an argument will result in him yelling, talking over me, and then deciding im stupid and closing the door to the other room, which normally leaves me crying, feeling frustrated upset angry and disapointed with how things have turned out. tonight, he’s gone to sleep on the couch. I feel better, knowing i have my mum and dad for support. Knowing I have my life ahead of me. I dont know what will happen here on out. Before tonight i was considering ‘minding my own buisness’ for a bit, and seeing how things were after a few weeks but he isn’t changing anytime soon. I may aswell leave tomorrow.

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  6. Thank you all for your posts and experiences. I have been heartbroken over someone I knew was not good for me. He is an addict and a liar, and has been so hurtful to me that I did end the relationship. The worst part is missing someone for their good qualities who i know was not good. I still have dreams about him and it haunts me.
    He is with someone else now and I even feel myself get jealous. Why?!
    I am so thankful and happy to be free of his incessant mental abuse and hatefulness.
    It is not and can never be a good situation when someone acts this way to you.
    I read the comments here and hope that everyone in these situations can find strength in numbers, and know that they are not alone.
    We are worthy of a great and better love.
    This draining type of life with a miserable person, is not what we were put on earth to experience.
    We have to be strong and break these bonds and face our fears.
    Much strength and courage to you all.
    xo

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    • I’m so thankful to read all of this because I’m going through it too. Of course sad overall. I would be so beyond jealous if my psychotic abusive ex would end up with someone else. I don’t know why. I know I shouldn’t be with him ever again or speak to him again because the cycle goes on repeat and he will never change. But that’s what the worst part is. Why do I even care ? Why should I care about that ? The guy is a compete asshole. He doesn’t even love me he’s just obssessed with me. It’s so many mixed emotions it drives me insane. I wish I could just not care or think about him or even still have that love in my heart. That’s the worse part. How can we get over it, just with time ?

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  7. I lived every day for 19 years with the father of my children, confused, frustrated, hurting, sleepless, dry mouthed and in pain most days. He held back money, days out, love, and affection o all of us. Hes been gone 15 months now and i feel i cant be without him, sometimes to the point where i feel i’d raher be dead. Surely his cant be normal? He hit me, pulled my hair, raped me and conrolled every aspect of my life yet i really want him back. I cant imagine how a normal relationship could work what so ever. Please help me

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  8. I know it is harder to leave when you have kids with them. I have two. I cannot move back home and have no other options. I did leave but just went back as I couldnt afford a divorce and nobody had any time to help me when I needed more help.

    Do you ever feel like things got so bad to the point you couldnt remember the past. My mom is so dumb she enables him by giving us money. I hate her for this. I scream and beg her to belp me but he has her so confuzed that they do believe I am the crazy one. My mother enables him and I will ever be able to leave. I dont live in the same country as them and he uses this to his adva tage. If I go back to my own country then I risk the. Being kidnapped back by him and then they may notet me back in the country. Also this happens all the time to women that marry fkreigners. I think they know it is easier to manipulate us this way.

    I have one thought that I hold all the time. My mother will see the truth one day on judgement day and see how sbe enables him. She will see everything he has done. Everything that I cannot even remember as I am living in hell. In hell it is so painful you cannot even remember the past. I hate this life. I hate it hate hate hate it how could a God allow this trap for innocent naieve women. Bow could my own mother betray me this way. Sbe is both my best friend and worst enemy.

    I am so screwed.

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  9. A therapist told me once; don’t live thinking of what “could be”, live in what is “now”! I really thought if I did more, did better that we would make it, after all I didn’t believe in divorce and making that commitment I meant every word! Currently today if I would have known what I know now I would of been better off-considering I am 8 years POST divorce and the man stalks me and is an abuser in every way to myself and our children. I know we can all say “if we knew what we know now”…..but my point is the signs of abuse. We all need to spread the word of what the signs are and that these feelings we have with an abuser are normal, because of who WE are! But they are NOTHING like us. I was one that,in the past, couldn’t even say the word “abuse”….I didn’t want to be a victim of anything- especially abuse! I am too strong for that!! Well, I am now saying it– I was abused and am still abused but am a SURVIVOR! I am surviving and will continue to survive! It is my mission everyday to talk to someone, even if it is simply posting on my facebook blog about the signs of abuse or telling my story or comforting someone dealing with abuse- YOU are not alone!! If you don’t feel good over and over, you must GUT through it and leave him/her! I prolonged my happiness by staying with someone NOT worthy of even being next to me! I have no regrets and love my beautiful children and I know this is happening to me for a reason. I am here for a bigger purpose! Good luck to you in your journey!

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  10. You are a gem. Please dont stop writing. You helped me to get through today. Today was bad day. Couldn’t stop wanting to kill my self. Again. Then I stumbled through your articles and made me feel so close to all of you. Knowing that I’m not alone heals.

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  11. Its amazing how this site connects to me a whole lot. I can tell you i wasn’t able to say whats on my mind every single time, even if it kills me. This post & blog is like every single thing I ever wanted to say and its like a little part of me who understand everything i ever went through. I can’t talk to anyone and I’m considering counselling to get back on my two feet but I’m scared of “what is they don’t understand me too like how others don’t understand what i have went through”
    All of my friends just couldn’t believe if i told them how he treats me cause they said “he was so charming”, of course he was, you’ll fall for his trap too if you believe him. He makes all this false promises and it kills me, what kills me even more is when I can’t say anything or write my feelings down anywhere when I am at my most boiling point cause he’s always stalking me in all the angles of my life and it just makes me feel stuck.
    He constantly tells me “i love you” every single second just to see my reaction. And constantly asking me “are you mad at me / why are you sad” like he feels very sorry for me, but i really don’t see the point of telling him whatever i feel because in the end, I’ll be the guilty one for having feelings. I feel its a very ridiculous thing to feel when I have not done anything wrong. At first I thought to myself “what if i’m the crazy one / what if i’m overreacting” but after reading numerous post on psychopaths / sociopaths, i’m pretty sure i’m not guilty. But I don’t know why there’s this 15% part of me that keeps on going back to when he was the most charming person the first day we started seeing each other, and how pity i feel for him if i leave him and what he’ll do to himself. My friends keep on saying “you pity him but he doesn’t think about you” but this feeling of confident to let him go only lasts for a few minutes, then come in the guilt trips. I asked him once “why do you keep doing this to me ? *considering i was talking just right after he making me feel guilty and i was always the bad one. And he could just said “what did i do” like he has exactly no idea what he did when he exactly know and it drives me crazy, like I’m going out of my mind.

    Reply
    • I have been in a relationship with a man for 6 years. At first he was exactly what I was searching for-supportive, loving, attentive, and adoring. Then after a few months he became intrusive, violent, insulting and mean. Although, he wasn’t like that all the time. He drank alot and then started using drugs along with it. He was always sorry for everything he did and even cried on some occasions when I tried to leave. We had 2 children together during this time. Throughout this time also the periods of abuse and bliss continued. I left several times always returning because I loved him and felt that he would change if he loved me enough or loved the kids enough. He was in jail twice during this period as well. Missing the birth of our second child. He always made me feel as though I was the issue telling me that I’m playing the “victim” perfectly. He would call me selfish and other derogatory names if I didn’t give him money. He stole from me in his drunken rages and blamed it on my teenage son. I ended up leaving him and could not bare to be away. I went back and he “punished” me by being with someone else and physically abiding me telling me that I deserved it because I was a cheating lying b***h. I would try to stay away and he would come back telling me he missed me a d still loved me all the while telling someone else the same thing. Then he went to prison again. I still stuck by him. Even in prison he was demeaning, mean, insulting, and abusive. Of course with periods of love, sensitivity, and attentiveness. I have now distanced myself from him. It hurts. I miss him. It’s hard to keep telling myself “you deserve better” when I still feel like I’m lost without him. The sinking feeling in my stomach just won’t go away….it’s sick and unhealthy that this man has such a hold on me. It does help to know that I am not alone. Thanks everyone for sharing.

      Reply
      • I just can imagine your pain, I’ve experienced it all as well your not alone but we will be if we continue to hold on to the abuse, I’m just now letting go, it has been so hard but after being threaten repeatedly I must take this abuse serious because threats truly act itself out eventually, stay encourage ladies we’re not survivors for nothing

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  12. This is amazing. I’ve been in a verbally abusive relationship for the past 2+ years and have wavered between ending the relationship and staying in it. I finally cracked last night and just got to a point where I just stopped caring about the abuse that poured forth from my boyfriend’s mouth. Last week he threw my purse into his kitchen trash can, shoved me against wall and spit in my face. I realized I couldn’t keep living like this and just walked away from it all. Thank you for your posts, even years after they were posted, they are so helpful and full of truth & love.

    Reply
  13. My best nd in the world became my abuser.
    The grief and betrayal go far beyond any words I could use to desribe it.
    I feel like I sweep each painful memory under the rug and when the late hours of the night come, they crawl out to find me.
    He’s like a powerful addiction and if I don’t kick the habit, it will take my life.
    Never give up hope, never ever surrender. The day you stop hoping, stop trying, is the first day your soul will die, and will continue to die every day after.
    To evryone reading this know that whoever you are, although I may not know you or have ever meet you, I love you. From the verydepths of my heart.
    You are not alone
    <3

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    • Friend*

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    • Wow I know exactly how you feel. I lost my soul and spirit. I am not the same person i was 8 years ago before I met him. I was a carefree naive spirit who was always laughing and willing to help anyone! I was never afraid of anything and so happy. Now it feels like he pulled the curtain down on me and I am wondering alone in the dark with no light ahead. I hope I can find myself again…I really miss Me

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      • I just want you to know from someone who has been through two abusive relationships… I know where you are at and I know how it feels… But I promise you that darkness is not yours and God loves you SO much. There is a light in the darkness… Where we focus there we go so look to the light and bit by bit day by day things with burst into colour again xo

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      • Hi Joyce,
        your comments resonated with me because I too was once a happy and confident person. I ran my own business and had many friends. I have just left an abusive 16 month relationship [ 12 days out ]. The ex physically threw me out of their house when I took food over to cook them a meal because they said they were feeling unwell. Then 2 more physically abusive incidents. The last one ended up with my unit being smashed up, a broken bottle held to my throat and the police being called. The projection of their own crappy thoughts and behaviour onto me was the worst , as was the withdrawal and then multiple discards leaving me an emotional wreck only to waltz back in later as if nothing had happened. If I brought up the abuse I was the bad one. I was the one causing all the problems. I lost a large part of myself and am now having to remember the things I liked and did that made me ME before I met this abusive person. They have begged and pleaded and apologised, then when that didn’t work quick enough they became threatening and incredibly nasty. I have gone and will continue to go No Contact and try and find that ME I am missing. I hope you are better now and love yourself first as I intend to do now. All the best to you and anyone suffering the aftershock of abuse. Cheers Mich

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  14. I have been with my husband for 6 years (2 yrs of dating & 4 yrs of marriage). He is confusing me with his behavior to the extent that I feel like I’m going crazy. He has hit me, emotionally and verbally abused me, and I’m afraid I am becoming like him. He is so loving at one point and then when his humorous side presents itself it’s always me as the punchline. When he is angry or in a joking mood he calls me names, does not like that I stand up for myself. He calls my parents names for not raising me into a proper woman who doesn’t obey and appreciate what he is giving me. He tells me that because I don’t give him his food on time that i will starve a man and his kids to death. When i tell him that his abuse will have a huge impact on our children he then says “If gave birth to any then it would”. I have PCOS and he has made some remarks to me saying that we are not having children because there is something wrong with me and his mother is constantly badgering us for not giving her any grandchildren. She is always asking my husband if he is taking me to the doc and what the doc is saying about me not having a baby. I don’t see a future with him and have finally put a stone on my heart and I am trying to make myself strong enough to leave…but again his loving side is pulling me back in….I need to leave but I just don’t know anymore..regardless of knowing that I don’t see a future with this man.

    Reply
    • I want to add that sometimes our relationship is normal and we are okay for some time because we do our own thing and we don’t get in each other’s way but he’ll end up coming over to me wanting to bite my face or suck on my cheek (i dont know where he got this habit from and it’s pretty recent). He calls it “being affectionate” but it bothers me so much that if i tell him to stop, he will come on top of me and force my hands out the way and force my face near his and suck on my face leaving saliva all over it and because of my PCOS I have pimples all over my face and they hurt. He doest understand that he could give my an infection or that he will get one himself). He will spoil a normal day by doing that and by calling me names, becoming aggressive with me and picking at my cooking. Help me please. I’m becoming bitter and I am turning into something I don’t want to be. I need to leave but can’t make myself to.

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  15. I’m quite a bit older than you, but find your blog really inspiring. I’m one month out of an abusive relationship and finding this blog has helped me through some tough emotions. Thanks a million.

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  16. I have been “friends” with my live-in boyfriend most of our lives, 4 yrs ago he finally talked me into giving “us” a try, he promised he would never hurt me, I believed him. How could I have not known he was like this? There is a deeper hurt than just losing the man I love if I leave, I am also losing a friend. I realize he isn’t a real friend since he hurts me physically, emotionally and psychologically but it still is so hard. I also have “burned ALL of my bridges by going back so many times. I do work, but, unfortunately can seem to only find part time jobs and he controls every last penny. I want out, but financially am stuck. I have no where to go and my car isn’t completely legal (he wont help me) so I sneak to work in it or I walk (in zero degree weather most times!) The first thing I keep seeing when I research “How to get out of an abusive relationship with no money” is they advise to sneakily save money till you have enough to go….HOW do I do that when he looks at my stubs, I have to answer for every last penny and he makes sure there is always a reason to spend extra money so I cannot afford what I need. He has recently started threatening that he will call 911 & have me put in jail for abusing him so I can see what it is like, I NEVER hit him, mainly becasue I wouldn’t do that and because he is 3rd degree black belt, I’m only 4′ 10′ tall, I can’t defend myself especially against him, so I wouldn’t even try to hit back. He said he would beat himself so he would have bruises so I would go to jail. I’m closterphobic, have a clean record, it would ruin my life. I have a dog that I have had for 15 yrs, they wont allow him at a shelter, not to mention the only one we have here is full and there is only a limit amount of time you can stay, I would be too far from work & would have no way around till I have enough to get my car done. It isn’t so easy!!!!

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  17. Thank you for writing this. After 5 years of marriage my wife said 3 weeks ago that she never fell in love with me and is getting a divorce. I moved out to a safe place. I am coming to grips that I was in a verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. Always believing it would get better. Crazy part is we use to be assoc pastors and taught on this stuff so I am really messed up. I will heal in time but I want to become whole. I miss her deeply and she was very beautiful on the outside but deeply broken. We have a few more peaces of business to taker care so I have to see her 1 or 2 more times. I dont contact her at all unless she sends am email about the stuff we are wrapping up. This sucks bad dying to a marriage that really wasn’t

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  18. Seven years and three pregnancies together: one loss, one perfect little preschool girl, and a boy on the way. My abuser is still the only man I want or love. He will feel like my spouse until the day I die. But he beat knuckle prints into my shoulder and back three days ago even though I am six months pregnant, and he did it in front of our daughter. I went to the hospital that night to monitor our unborn son, and against every loyal instinct I worked up the nerve to show my discharging nurse my bruises and tell her who gave them to me. I got a PFA with our daughter’s name on it alongside mine, so she will never witness her mother insulted and beaten again. I pressed criminal charges . . . Now I am wavering. I don’t feel like I have the strength for court. I cry myself to sleep missing the way he feels and smells, and wishing he could hold me. Bookmarking this will help keep me strong for myself and for our children. Thank you for sharing this writing for those of us at a tragic loss for words.

    Reply
    • Erica, your story is my story. After four years of a rocky relationship with my husband, we were finally having our first child together.

      4 months into the pregnancy he became a monster and starting taking womens’ numbers and acting distant. Eventually, the physical abuse began. He would punch me in my face and slap me. On the 3rd occurrence, I called the police.

      I am now living in a shelter with my son from a previous relationship and our unborn baby. He hates me and has told everyone that I am wicked and evil.

      I am despondent and emotionally dying. I miss him- the man I knew before all this craziness. I miss the new memories and adventures that we were just about to create as first-time parents together. I miss the future that we never had.

      I’m so broken that I don’t know where to start. My housing and financially instability is only compounding my grief. Even though he hates me and is mad at me, refusing to even contact me about our baby, I know that what he did was wrong. I just seem to accept that what I did was right and that I am not the cause of our broken home.

      Any update on your relationship ship with your ex and your current situation would be welcome.

      Reply
  19. I don’t know you but I’d call you my angel guard, thank you. It’s been so difficult so hard to go through this. I’ve been trying to convince myself otherwise but who am I trying to tell all these lies to? And why? He’s hurt me enough and this is not going to change. I need to be brave. It has got to end. I can’t do this anymore.
    Thank you.

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  20. Today I woke up at ten, and there was a message on my fb page, so there was a little ding noise that set off from my smart phone messenger. He freaked out. He usually reads my diarys, text messages and any social media messages freely. So I can prove to him that I won’t cheat on him or am talking to other people. At all. He started dragging me across the room calling me an ungrateful slut. He ripped the clothes from my body and tried to push me out into the city street. He called me a disgusting pig. I have a nose that points slightly to the right, and he told me he wanted to punch it back into place for me. He told me he cums when thinking’s of beating me. He told me that it’s my fault that I get into relationships with men and that I make them hurt me. He tells me that I’m stupid and puts me down. All damn day, he did this. Then he put his mouth on my vagina and forced me into oral sex on myself, even though I cried and screamed. Almost as if it was to say that it was his body and not mine. It went down until three pm. I wanted to stab him. I wanted him to die. I have to wait until he leaves for work this weekend to try to get away from him. I had a rough family life and don’t have a lot of close friends, so I’m not really sure where to go or what to do. I’m afraid I’ll want him back. I’m afraid of being alone. It was so nice to feel loved for a bit, before he went crazy. A million thoughts run into my head. Like, will anyone ever love me again? Can I do this alone and be financially okay on my own? Will he try to stalk me? I feel so weak and awful about everything, but I can’t keep sticking around for someone who doesn’t even have the capacity to respect me. When he’s good, he’s the man if my dreams. Perfect. I feel like he had investigated me enough to figure out what im looking for to be that person for me to lure me in his sorry mode. I want so badly to figure out what is in me that needs this type of man. I totally went down the Stockholm’s route with him. I tried to team up with him on his usual pessimism of everything. He told me about how his dad was abusive, and mom was never there, and it sucked me in. I had a tough childhood too, and when I was a lot younger and more insecure I used to do the jealousy thing and possessiveness stuff, so I understood it. I went by the broken people need broken people verse, and it just isn’t working. I’m so scared to leave. I don’t want to be alone, but I can’t do this anymore. Feedback please!!!!??

    Reply
    • Thank you so much for this blog. Even though its from years ago. I just left my husband. We have been married a year. We met when I was 16 and he was 18. Been together 8 years. He was a great guy. Sometimes when he would come to visit me his car would reek of marijuana or beer. He always denied doing anything, that his friend used his car or whatever. He would try so hard to convince me that I would believe it. Stupid right? I just wanted to make him happy and keep him loving me. Then I found out I was Prego. I told him I knew he did all that stuff and I didn’t want to be with someone like that. He swore, swore, swore he stopped a long time ago so I believed him. Once we were married he showed me who he really was. All through the pregnancy till now. Since the first month I wanted to leave. He had his good days that made me forget about the bad times. He’s very selfish and immature and unresponsible, no respect for no one, yelling at me in public punching the walls when mad. He made me stop talking to my friends yet he kept talking to whoever whenever (girls included) threatened to take our baby out of the country and I would never see them again. I finally left 2 days ago. It hurts me so bad because he was the closest thing I had to a best friend even though we weren’t. I still love him and miss him so so much I hate myself for missing him. I cry everytime I think about the good times and him. I have our baby. I called the cops when he tried to come to where I was staying to take her even though she isn’t used to him and cries for me after being with him for too long. He didn’t care. They decided to press charges and he doesn’t even know what’s coming to him and he calls me yelling and crying for our baby its killing me but I know he won’t take care of well. He would make fun of me if I ever cried. Ita killing me but I know if he had our baby he would have no mercy for her nor I. It hurts like hell wanting to go back to him but I know it’s better not to. I’ve never ever been alone relationship wise so now I feel so alone even though I would feel alone even laying next to him at night. I’m trying and I have people supporting me. I love him hopefully I get over him soon. Hopefully he forgives me too for caring about the safety of our child and wanting him to get help and putting him in jail. But I doubt hell ever see.

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      • And understand how he has been in his eyes he does nothing wrong.

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    • Jesus…run! Run! The part where you said he cums thinking of punching you oh my God…run.

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  21. I am so scared, sad, lonely.. I went from being so proud of myself for kicking him out once and for all..now within a month I’m nothing but a sad empty shell. Terrified of paying the bills, keeping my home…and sad, lonely and afraid of dying alone, never to feel a man’s touch again. Did I give up too soon? Was I that hard to love? Did I not try hard enough? I can’t remember all the bad things anymore..only the good times. Every song seems to bring him to my thoughts. Every where I go, seems to bring a memory of him back to center. I haven’t contacted him, but I want to, especially since he hasn’t tried contacting me. I’m so afraid….I’m tired of worrying… Maybe I should’ve tried harder…

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  22. Wow!!! Needed this &a whole lot more like it right now. Exactly how I am feeling & I hate it.

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  23. I hear what you are going through and I’m so sorry you’re made to feel that way. Speaking as a man I have to say I don’t doubt your boyfriend is a good guy, bit HE KNOW BETTER. He knows this is wrong no matter what he says. This is his version of a relationship. The sweetness he shows you is a performance to keep this game going. The only thing he can feel that resembles love is ownership, power. Physical abuse is the end of the person you fell in love with. No amount of compliance is going to bring him back, only a performance version of him. The only time he will show you any real connection is when you are completely broken down. It’s like ecstasy to him. Don’t think of your love for him as different from any other love. It’s real and should be respected. However, you are not in a relationship with someone that will ever return that love. This is how he wants it. If you leave you will feel hurt and alone but the sense of freedom will soon overshadow that. Every bad thing you are thinking about yourself is by careful design and will only go away when you start introducing new experiences to your life. Don’t fear the hurt of leaving, it will teach you a lot about what you really want. I won’t tell you to be strong and I hate how people act like you should just leave, like its so easy. I did that to my friend and now its so hard to talk to her. She’s stuck and I wish I’d said this to her instead of pressuring her to leave. Take care of yourself, everyday. You need a clear head above all things. If you leave, embrace the hurt. Make it your new companion and know that what you went through does not define you. It’s just part of the journey.

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  24. Just for the record…it isn’t just women who are abused. It has been very difficult to leave the one woman I so adored and wanted so badly. But to live in fear from her, to walk on eggshells, to see her tempers flare and get ridiculed, hit, and isolated is just too painful. I gave up a lot of goals and dreams for this woman and plenty of resources. Although in the past I stayed with some women too long that made me emotionally abusive after previous cheaters, I now face once again the same but I must leave as to never live in resentment because that I fear will make me the same thing that I am trying to run from. The simplest issue from her turns into how I am somehow, stupid, worthless, she will go date another man, needs more money, hit when something I didn’t do but she needed to take it out on someone, drinks consistently when pregnant until the baby dies, numerous of small evils. I understand past pains us as it did me, but my gut instinct said stay away, but her charm and what she was drew me into her web. I attempted to escape before…I think now I can.

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  25. Thank you so much for this article. I left my abuser a few days ago. I feel so unlovable and like maybe I gave up on real love. Its hard to feel like everything is going to be OK. I feel alone like I don’t have anyone to talk about it with but hotlines. I have isolated myself from friends, family and coworkers because of this relationship. I still talk to him when he calls. I don’t know how to be strong enough.

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  26. Oh my god thank You! I needed this. You may have saved me from making the biggest mistake ever!

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  27. I have the same story and can definitely identify. I’m ready for him to leave…I stepped out of denial and realize things wii never change. Of today he took my cell phone away for the hundredth time.
    My question is how should I be acting towards him. I have so much anger in me!
    He lives in my home but, I’m walking on eggshell every single day. I have not had my home to myself for over two years. He never goes out. I pace back and forth and sit and rock my body. Since I have been sharing with people on this matter it has made me stronger. I will be placing a restraining oder against him come this following week. I’m sicken by this because he has me so convenient it’s all me . Intelligently I know it’s not. He has me so brainwashed it’s unbelievable! He says I’m the abuser in which I come to understand that what I have is REACTION ABUE.
    Thank you for letting me share.
    Any feedback would be so appreciated.

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  28. I’m physically, mentally, emotionally abused often I have children it’s just us most days and some nights it’s my fault I allow him to place his hands on me and yes I ask myself why?? I can’t give u a honest anwser I know it’s not right and it’s not good for my children but ask ur self this do u live in. My shoes ?? No right I have nothing nobody no job no home no money no family no friends it’s just me and my children 24/7 I get beat for not responding to his questions fast enough punched in my head if I don’t say what he wants me to say choked to where I can’t breathe for asking him to stop hurting me kicked like a strae dog just because he hates me he stab me with a metal rod recently he had no care in the world about me he said I deserved it I have bruises different ones each day I make excuses where they came from he calls me names like whore stupid ect. He spits in my face if I don’t look at him I am afraid I am weak I am not strong enough to leave and as stupid as he says I am I still love him so much and yet I’m afraid of the man I onced adored he makes me feel so low I’m nothing important in this world he said he only stays to make me misrable and I’m gonna suffer I have no way out I have no help I asked around closed doors and shut mouths Is all I get the girl that has always been there for anyone and everyone has Noone

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  29. I’ve been married for 4 years. At first it was a wonderful relationship. We were both mutually abused as kids, and it formed a very strong bond between us. Then we got married. Shortly thereafter ,
    I started seeing that he was on dating sites and internet p***. Upon confronting him he said it was only a joke, and that he was trying to catch me violating his privacy. I acted like I bought his story, however deep inside I knew he was lying. As time went by the behavior increased as he would then ask me are you stupid?
    Or would alledge that I was a liar. There were incident where he would say he’s going to the bank at 6 p.m. and didn’t come back home for a week stating that I was being controlling and completely manipulative. Then there was an incident where he had a so called a friend that was female and that he did not understand why I had an issue with him conversing with her when it was documented on our cell phone bill that he had been on the phone texting with her over 862 text messages within a 24 hour period. We separated for about 2 weeks after that incident. He had me believing that no one else would ever want me because he said I was old ugly fat and stupid after a while I started to believe his ranting and raving.
    Then he became completely controlling limiting the time it took me to go to work and to come home how long it would take me to go to the grocery store, or why was it that took me so long to drive from point A to point B. I would be somewhere and there were times he followed me to ensure I was where I said I was. After that, he would say I was having an affair with my sons. He would also tell me that no normal mother would have such a close relationship with her children unless it was something disgusting going on.
    The behavior escalated as to then I was daily nightly hourly being accused of cheating and having a boyfriend or messing around in general.
    This all ended recently as he beat me breaking my cheekbone, destroying the house by breaking up the Italian marble flooring. At one point he believed I was dead. He then went into my son’s room and told him if you call the cops you’re next. He then ran his car into my car, into the house in attempts to running me over. Needless to say, was hospitalized. He’s looking at four felony charges. His arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow. The problem have is that I cannot understand how I could love a person that has so brutally mistreated me.

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    • I too have had things happen

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  30. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have been separated from my abuser for a little under a month now. You name it he did it: drinking, drugs, talking down to me in private and public, hitting me or beating me, making me believe i was the reason for his actions. I can go on forever. I am happy to say though it hurts like hell seeing an empty apartment i am so glad i finally decided to end it once and for all. Thank you for the encouragement your blog did wonders for me tonight.

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  31. I have been physical and emotionally abused for 13 yrs. On September 15 2015 i was beaten so bad that he fractured my face. I called the police, book him and was release on bail.i filed for divorce and put out a restraining order. On October my abuser contacted me and manage for me to talk to him again. ( we are still going to court for r.s and his crimal case for dv and divorce is in process ) I have been talking to him for four months without my family knowing. I feel so stupid for even giving in. He continues to verbally abuse me and physically abuse me i dnt call the cops cus i feel stupid and i dnt want them or my family to know that im talking to him. He records me crying and tells me why are u here if u have a restraining order on me you are not scared of me. He does all this while recording it. But im so stupid that i go back to him. I know he emotionally and mentally screwed me up so bad that i don’t know what to do im so scared but i continue to go back to that abuse that i want to get out of it and never look back i need the strength to move forward im so weak that i failed myself. I need help i need to be stronger and NEVER look back i need to built myself up.

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  32. It’s been over a year since I left my abuser. His smile was like sunshine to my heart. It ended with a black eye and three broken ribs him choking me out, the only thing that saved me, I heard the garbage
    men coming down the street. I got away ran down the street in January it was so cold that night running barefoot cold, hurt screaming help me please I’m hurt. It took almost a year before it went to court. I had to prepare for trial. I worked with the prosecuting attorney for a week. A mock trial. Questioning, I had to look at a picture of my swollen eye, the marks on my face both of which turned to bruises a couple days later, on a big screen in the courtroom. I was told to part my hair to this side so the jury could see my face. Do not wear water proof mascara. Dress this way. No dangly earrings. The day of the trial I was so scared, I didn’t want these strangers knowing the intimate details of my deepest hurt, my even deeper love that I had for him. He was my soul mate, so I thought, and as much as I’d like to say I’m over him I’m not. How could this be? How could I still love this person who emotionally and physically abused me? I’ve tried everything to numb myself from that feeling and fill that void inside my heart. From promiscuous sex to alcohol. He took a piece of me away. I no longer feel whole, I feel joyless. Everyday is just getting by. My female friends are my strength, they mirror my strength. It’s there, it is inside of me. I am strength. I’m am the sun, I am the moon, I am the creator of life and beauty. I sometimes feel like it would have been easier to just let it go and not cooperate with the prosecuting attorney. Going through with “the case” MY case was almost, probably more painful than the actual abuse. It was the right thing to do. Do not be silent. Silence perpetuates the injustice. He was charged with a misdemeanor assault and had to pay a fine along with unsupervised probation. It was a small victory but a victory nonetheless. Hope is what I have now. I am healing. I am speaking out, but mostly I am a survivor I am strong. One day this small part of my life will be just a speck of dust brushed away without notice.

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  33. Dear God! I have read all of the comments and I am so grateful for all of your stories, I was married in 2014 to someone I knew as a child, he looked me up after 30 yrs, we fell in love , I thought & married quickly, right after the wedding the abuse started, I won’t go into details but it was emotionally, physically very, very bad. I had him arrested after a physical attack & then like a fool I took him back. I paid for all the demostic violence classes, took him to his P.O , we got counciling through church & I thought we were gonna make it, then outta nowhere he started his same old behaviors again, he recently attacked me with a knife & is now in jail for a long time. I feel so sick inside , I still love him, it’s stupid. I will get over this & I do deserve to be happy. Thank you for your comments & most of all thank you for helping me save myself

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  34. I’m so glad I found you need help can’t lives anymore I think I lost my mind like crazy my gf left me more then 2 months now texting and calling her but she not reply at all just few times answered she told me to leave her alone she got someone else and she told never loved me never love me she don’t want me asked her for give me give me last chance she is just said forgive you but still angry after that don’t know she is not reply me at all just want somebody help me what shall I do please cos I do love her so much

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  35. I just left my abuser and ive seen better days…………..he went to jail today cause he tortured me mentally physically emotionally every way possible cause he was drunk and everything we are going through financially is my fault so I had to feel it……..it’s strange I miss him so much, he is my best friend I wanted to be with him forever but I know nothing will ever change………..Im just trying to pick up my pieces and pull everything back together in my life for my children

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  36. I wish I could help every one of you that has posted. I was only abused once, by a man that I loved. Not once in the 10 months that we dated had he ever shown any signs of violence. It was the opposite, loving, caring and kind. He did however have a drinking problem which was intermittent. One day he drank almost a whole bottle of rum. He ended up falling out of bed and breaking a lamp while trying to get back into bed. That was it for me. I knew I could no longer be with him due to his drinking. I called his family to come get him, because I just didn’t want him in my life one more second. The moment I hung up the phone, he rolled out of bed, came around and punched me in the face. I am not one to back down, so I fought back but then things got worse. He had me pinned to the bed and bit down on my bottom lip and ripped out my flesh. To get him off me, I reached down and grabbed his privates and squeezed and pulled. He got off me, enough so I could reach my phone but as soon as I got my phone he knocked it out of my hands, pinned me on the bed again and bit out an area around my eye. I reached down, once more and grabbed his privates. This time I was able to hit the panic button on my security system panel and I was able to get away.
    I too dealt with still loving someone that had hurt me so bad. But in the end, I had to love myself more and I’ve always been comfortable being alone as easily as with someone. I too missed “my sweet man” as I called him. It took counseling to work through those feelings as I had not had any closure. Usually when people break up, there is discussion and you get to say what you wanted to say.
    I finally got some closure this week, almost a year to the day later, when I read my victim impact statement at his sentencing to 5 years in prison.
    Everyone here, you are not alone. It is not easy. We don’t love the bad in the person, we love the good in that person. But please know that you should leave your abuser. I hope that each one of you finds the strength and the help you need to get out of your situation. You deserve so much more…someone that will not abuse you. It is not too much to ask.

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  37. Thank You. I am 5 months removed from my own abusive relationship. I still miss him. His smell, his ability to build me up, so high. I miss the happy times, and adventure. His deceivingly charming smile. I know i can never go back. I sometimes hate myself for even thinking fondly of him, and sometimes i hate myself for walking away from him. It is confusing, and scary. I am glad I am not alone. I have found so much reassurance online, that I am not the problem, this is not my fault, and I do not deserve to be treated like He treated me.
    I am waiting for the day when i can wake up and not still feel that hurt.

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  38. How do you get over it? I’ve been married to my husband since I was 18 we just had our 8 year anniversary and we have 2 kids under 2. I love this man. He is a hard worker, good provider, funny, intelligent and loving at times. But along with those traits he is manipulative, selfish, not accountable for his actions, impossible to satisfy, rude and arrogant. Our marriage is like a roller coaster we can be on cloud 9 at one moment and the next day I’m just a stupid bitch to him. He has called me every name under the sun. He has blamed me saying that I have made him the way he is. I have tried to get away 3 times and have even filed for divorce once but stopped it. He just reals me back in telling me how much he misses me, loves me, is sorry, etc. I didn’t see his family that much until we moved states and lived with him for a year. He behaves exactly like how his step dad is toward his mother. He told me he would never be like him yet he is. His mother is just in denial and has stayed for 20 years. I don’t want to be a mirror image of their relationship. I just want him to change. When I talk to him about how much I hurt its like talking to a brick wall. My heart hurts so much part of me wants to leave and seek a better life for my kids. The other part of me holds on to the good times we have, the memories like the births of our kids, the love I have for him and hope for a good future together. How do I go on its so devastating to think that this was all for nothing. I have invested so much. I really mourn that he probably will never change despite how much I love him. Thinking about meeting someone else is scary even though it could be for the better. I just wish we could be a functional loving family. What saddens me the most is he probably won’t even change for our kids.

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    • This makes me sad readibg this… I hope you are doing better and have gotten somewhere good in life. I cant help but think of my situation a little bit in yours.. The fact that he hasnt changed even after having children together… My bf hasnt changed after our first ad beat me up in front of our son a couple times. And i had hoped that after we had a baby girl in the future that maybe that would change him..

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  39. I felt like reading this was reading my own story. My abuser isn’t a physically violent one but he has me so confused, alone, and scared I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I have 4 boys with him; I left him on 2015 and he tortured me until I took him back. He broke into my house, turned my kids against me, tried to stab a man I was on a date with in the back with a screw driver, set my car on fire, I woke up to him on top of me in my bed at 3 in the morning on black Friday, I ended up being admitted to a mental hospital after I tried to commit suicide. He would wait out side of my house for me to go to work, chase me in the car with my 1 yr old baby in the back seat. I am with a psycho path who will stop at nothing to hold tightly to his control over me. Idk what else to do. I’d rather die than be with him but I keep going for my boys. I don’t know how to get away. The police have yet to do anything to help me and his family covers for him when he does things like set my car on fire by giving him alibies. I’m lost and alone!

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    • It seems dumb but in a case like this look into getting a security system in your house. With cameras and a monitoring system. Estimate the cost for a years service including equipment and share your story on Gofundme.

      Reply
  40. Life before life after Ron. I was so in love with Ron. We took my 3 minor children lout to eat, and processed our love for each other, along with our intentions. He bought a different house for us all to live in. And unbeknownst to me, 4 years later he was seeing his ex girlfriend again! With one child now grown and married, the 3 of us moved out and rented a olace of our own.
    After about 3 months, he came back into my life. Well, this went on for years. Only the ex gf was no longer in the picture, it was a new woman. After 19 years of an on again off again relationship, and one time moving back in with him, he started acting strange again. I left. The next day he called me and told me he didn’t want me to leave him. I said I got tired of him telling me that he’s not happy. It took about 7 months for me to realize he was still seeing one of the women he was cheating on me with.
    2 weeks ago I heard he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He always said he had it. But when I asked him if his doctor told him that, he’d say no. But he can tell because he forgets everything. Well as of today, he was taken to the hospital. Apparently they caught out in time our he would have had a stroke.
    I’m torn. I never stopped loving him. When the time comes that he passes away(he’s 18 years older than me), so I go to Abby service fire him? I know this other woman will be there, standing with the family. She once told me that I came between him and her. Really!! I started seeing him in 1997. You came along in late 2002. Don’t blame me, I don’t blame you, it was Ron. I just can’t handle the thought. I was once cute to his family. And ALL off my family lived him. Until he hurt me!
    What do I do?

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  41. Forgive my errors. My phone changes word

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  42. So.. Here I am relentlessly googling in order to keep my strength up whilst enforcing no contact. He beat me.. Multiple times, smashed windows/doors/interior stuff and scared my and my children to death. Even writing these words I feel guilt for missing him but I will stay strong. My children and I deserve the world not a world full of anger and violence. I keep feeling a wealth of emotions from anger to guilt to sadness. I can’t wait for the day its all just a distant memory and nothing more, I wouldn’t wish an abuser on anyone, he’s left me feeling like nothing more than an empty shell.

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  43. I have been with my bf for 6 years now… We have been through a whole lot with each other. Hes my rock…. He is also my “breaker” (is what comes to my mind)… My rock because he is my everything. The father to my beautiful boy, my best friend, my worst enemy, the person I go to with for anything.. He is everything. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want us to be a happy family and live a wonderful life together.. And I know when im old and grey… Hes the one I wanna be old and grey with…but over these 6 years he has been abusive off and on. Mental verbal and physical.. Even though I know the abusive is wrong and being choked hit and almost had my neck broke twice isnt what a relationship is suppose to be like … I still love him and his handsome smile and the beautiful person that he is.. Cause he really is a beautiful person. But once that switch flips he is a monster a complete beast who is only seeing red at the moment. Even though most of these times took place during a night of drinking or a seriton overful night/weekend thats not alqays the case and it can sper in pure soberness. I know I dont want to be abused by the one I love and i dont want my son growing up as his father with thay being said i know i am selfish for staying and not fuly thinking of my sons well being, but at the same time i want my son to grow up and be in a family and i wished for him to have. Im so lost and torn in all these different directions i dont know what to do or where to go.. I have no guarantee of my saftey or my sons even though he has “vowed” “promised” to himself he is never going to hurt me like that again becuz it hurts him knowing he hurt me…. I love him i dont know why i do i dont know why i stay… He knows this is the last chance im giving him and that if he fucks up im done and were done… But do i wait ordo i continue to love him and be in love until he snaps again…

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  44. I’m only 4 weeks out and not sure still if I can do this !!!! I feel so much guilt, shame, loneliness, etc. I’m 51 years old and fear I will spend the rest of my life alone. My ex is an alcoholic. I tried to help him but feel I failed. There were many times when I saw the loving, caring side of him, which always at the time, outweighed the bad days. How do I overcome feeling like I’m the bad person? I just want to understand why he hurt me. I want to ask him so many questions, and know his answers are sincere. How do I get over the hurt?

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  45. I’m only 4 weeks out and not sure still if I can do this !!!! I feel so much guilt, shame, loneliness, etc. I’m 51 years old and fear I will spend the rest of my life alone. My ex is an alcoholic. I tried to help him but feel I failed. There were many times when I saw the loving, caring side of him, which always at the time, outweighed the bad days. How do I overcome feeling like I’m the bad person? I just want to understand why he hurt me. I want to ask him so many questions, and know his answers are sincere. How do I get over the hurt?

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  46. All I can say is thank you, I have been up all night it’s 5.27am. The man I love with all my heart, body and soul, my abuser, is sleeping peacefully in his car out the front of my house.
    I have been on the internet all night trying to find something I can relate to. And finally, I found your words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was beginning to think I was the only person who is so desperately in love with a man who has caused me so much hurt and pain I cannot even describe it. All I want to do is run outside, bring him in to my bed with me, put my head on his chest where it feels like my favourite place in the entire world, hold him and never let go.

    I sound pathetic don’t I?

    That’s how I feel!!!
    I have lasted all night, another couple of hours and he will leave for work.

    This is hurting so much I have physical pain in my chest. I have never experienced such strong feelings for such a toxic person.

    I will try to find the strength to stay strong and begin to slowly heal the damage he has caused in my life.

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  47. It’s so hard to let go and I feel bad about it I just wanted to help him, I wanted to show him that there are still good people in the world. It turned into to me loving him & him abusing me.

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  48. Now I want to know what to do, how do I stop feeling hurt? how do I convince myself it’s what’s best for myself and my children? I love him so much, but at some point I got tired of crying and started to fight back but regardless what I did I’d get it worse and he’d blame it all on me. Even while I was pregnant he used to beat me and tell me to kill myself and my kids, he used to wish death on me and all my family. He always told me how he was better than everyone in the world especially me. He’d say I’d never amount to to anything. That I’m raggedy, I’m trash, I’m poor and my kids would be stupid like me. He made me hate myself so bad. Even through all that like an idiot I stayed, I still loved him I still tried, I believed he could change. He cheated on me and blamed it on me. At that point I knew it wouldn’t work but he wouldn’t leave and I didn’t want to involve the police or anyone. Because it happened that way so many times. He’d get drunk and swear he was better than everyone in the world. How the whole world was dumb, how he should be in charge, how God isn’t good and so much more. Hearing all of this and for the people who witnessed it, I know everyone was thinking how could you love him how could you stay with him and keep believing he’d be better. Well when he wasn’t drunk or lying or cheating, he loved me so good. He took care of our kids, he’d rub my feet when I’d tell him they hurt after work, he’d get up with me after nightmares, he’d always come find me just to go to sleep and I loved that. I knew how he was sober and that’s how I wanted him to always be. But I didn’t trust him anymore, yet I didn’t want to leave… I feel like I’m wrong.

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  49. To wake me up to reality of the verbal and emotional abuse (not only from my fiancee but from his 2 sons and his mother), a terrible accident had to happen to him where he was crushed between a tractor trailer and a building dock. I was trying so hard to create a better life for him and the kids but everything I did wasn’t good enough. I tried everything to the point that my health, money and self confidence are all totally depleted. I pray for Devine intervention from God that while I pray for miracle healing for him, that also God would fix his heart and soul so he would become a better man. I love him and I always will but I have finally reached my breaking point that I now must go care for myself knowingly that he is in good hands. I pray often that soon I will hear what God wants me to do.

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  50. Still trying to figure things out, it will be 4 years in Feb 2018 of us being together in and off. We have been through very tough times together, he has loved me and supported me during my worst times and vice versa, me more so than him since im more financially stable (he does not have steady employment and really 3 years into our relationship started looking for work diligently since i left him) but he helps me when he can and has sacrificed alot too. This man is also sooo controlling, I left him March 28 2017, went back July 27, 2018..after talking on the phone and still getting subtle guilting and missed calls/ voicemails cursing me out accusing me of cheating etc yet i still allowed the sweet nothing’s to lure me back. Bad move, verrry bad, no he has not hit me yet in the 3 weeks we’ve been reunited but the potential is there, he still has no accountability and has made threats and has the nerve to make it seem like he shouldn’t be talking to me again because i left him?? Wow, I’ve been spit on in the face, kicked, forced to have sex, choked, accused of having sex with male cousins, accused of being a lesbian, cheating, you name it. I pay his child support to his daughter to keep him out of jail, paid off his probabtion, feed him, pay all the bills and yeah I got fed up and left was i wrong for wanting more out of life??? He made me close my FB and Instagram recently that i use to connect to family and old friends, yet his is still active??? I am leaving again, in a week, he is still drinking, still bs’n no change, all lip service!! Still no steady job, missing work opportunities because he is drunk and high from weed almost 40 years old still carrying on like he is 17. I can’t go anywhere alone, he wants all my time, still makes me feel guilty for being tired after working 10 hours a day to support US!! Why did i come back??? I’m gone this time for good no contact with him or his mother she is not as innocent as she puts out there noticing her ways too..DONE WITH BOTH OF THEM!!I WOULD RATHER BE SINGLE THEN DEAL!! I love him but love myself more sorry not sorry!! I feel so stupid!! I will be 38 in September my birthday will be peaceful and stress free, I’m too old for this, he is a grown man and I have to stop enabling him, it stops today!! I am leaving him next week its official, for good this time I feel bad but it has to be done or he will explode again and this time it may be deadly!! Stay tuned for my update!! I have to move like a ninja because be is nosy as hell but I’ve got this!!

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  51. These posts show me that I am not alone. That my abuse is shared. Although I have not been physically abused, I am continuously abused emotionally and mentally. My boyfriend is the most amazing person…when he’s happy. When we fight, he makes me wish I was dead. He treats me like I am nothing. He makes my feelings, concerns, and thoughts seem obsolete and makes me feel like I am so stupid for having issues that are serious to me. Yet when I ask him to help me with my insecurities, he dodges them and is a real jerk about it making them seem unprecedented. When I doubt if he loves me, I simply ask him if he does but he cannot seem to answer the question straight-there is always a charade. He creates arguments out of thin air and makes my life miserable, especially if I have fun with someone who isn’t him. I have been making excuses for his behavior for months, probably since we started dating years ago, but I am tired of feeling this way and want it to stop. I do not think he is capable of fixing his abusive nature and that depresses me-we’ve been promised for engagement for over six months. I truly thought he was the love of my life, but I cannot stand this abuse any longer. I am sitting here shaking because I think I can end it, I remember our history and the life that we’ve made together and I don’t feel ready to leave it. I am not ready to start over and return to life without him, but I cannot cope with the way he makes me feel. I need major help-I am far from home and anyone I trust with this and I have no idea what to do or who I can talk to. All I know is that I don’t deserve this…

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  52. Thank you so much I will do as you have said I love what you wrote.

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  53. Thank you for writing this. It’s me to a T. Scared that no one will love me because he doesn’t truly love me. I’m not even sure he loves himself. I have lost family members over him. And I honestly thought I could some how change him. Make him love me,but I know I am crazy for thinking it. I am the only one he brings around his family but i know that he is seeing other women. So his addiction isn’t just the drugs it’s other women as well. I feel sometimes like im ugly and no good for anyone. Because I see so.e of the women he talks to. He tells me that he has feelings for me and none for them. It doesn’t make it any better. When we are together at first it’s great then after a couple of days, maybe a week, he needs a break. Then maybe a day or a couple of days he will want me to come back. I know I deserve better but I can’t make myself stay away. Sometimes I think I’m crazy because I come back but I know it’s only because I love him. And it hurts.

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  54. I have been with my boyfriend now for 4 or more years. We had split a short time ago over the summer and I had left. I had and am living with him in his familys home. I have images of the huge bruises and broken walls I have been thrown into. I have pictures of the handprints and the bloody nose and black eye i had gotten. I have been choked and thrown into doors, shelves, walls, punched in the car, and not allowed to make food or use the kitchen. I always lie about the circumstances hoping that it was something I had done to make him act this way; he has always stated he never acted like this until me. He is enjoyable when he isnt angry and violent. Recently, thats all he has been since I returned. Additionally, he returned to smoking weed (jeopardizing my career/future) and using steroids. We are both recovering drug addicts as a side note and I have been sober since the beginning of our relationship. He has returned to using and had claimed my treatment for mental health was a farce and a relapse when I have serious PTSD and anxiety that causing vomitting. I have threatened and attempted leaving, only to be barracaded in his room and thrown up into the closet. He has thrown my belongings and broken them when I have tried saying I just want to go for a walk until he calms down. I dont know who I am anymore. I am frail and weak, sickly looking, always scared and on edge… i have such extreme anxiety when around him and his family that I vomit. He had forced me into sexual instances to the point i felt guilty if i denied and even was afraid to upset him with any protest. I am always afraid to even speak to him now since all i say he construes as an insult to his intelligence or me being rude. I ask a simple question “Have you eaten yet today, because I would like us to go to dinner together. Let me know if you want me to get something for you or if you want to go together”and he attacks me and pushes me, throws things and yells at me because he said I am being selfish and an asshole. He tells me I purposely make him feel like the worst person in the world. The only thing I will admit to doing that is wrong is that I refuse to talk or get too close to him because I am afraid if i do anything I will be “in trouble”. I have changed myself and my life for his happiness because I am always on edge in his presence. I cannot see any of my friends because he would attack me for seeing them. I cannot spend alot of time with my family and am not allowed to speak to coworkers or peers in college because he said he would kill me. Hes threatend it numerous times but I take him seriously because I have seen his anger. I know he is capable of it. I clean up for him, do his groceries, try to buy him nice gifts, give him massages, always cleaning because he destroys everything in his presence as if its a right of passage, and have had to spend ridiculous amounts of money replacing what he damaged in the house and buying him expensive clothes and even giving $280 towards paying off his credit card bill. I never recieve thank yous. I paid for every meal for him for the past 4 years and since he recently got the job, i pushed for him to go to the training for (and did the grant applications), he has paid only 20 times for himself and half of the dinner outings I still paid for my own self. He tells me I never paid and says that all the things I have done never happend! I have spent 2,000$ in a week solely for him! Nothing I do for him is good enough. And since he hurts me when we have sex he blames me for that too! I even deleted my social medias because he would attack me over that. The scary thing is, I am doing all he asks and being kind and caring, and he is delusioned into thinking I am attacking him or insulting his intelligence! I dont know what to do. I love him and want things to improve and spoken to him on various occassions about his anger and how I need to be more affectionate and fixing our issues in counseling to better our relationship together. Yet he is of the mindset I am the only fucked up person who is causing his anger and that any other person would have killed me by now— his words exactly… I have always forced myself to be emotionally distant due to abandonement issues as a child/adolescent… but I still show and express my love for him…. he blows me off when we make plans together every time(holidays,my birthday, newyrs, valentines, etc) and doesnt even get me gifts or take me out. And if i get upset he says that I am a nasty bitch trying to make him out to be a bad bf when he cant afford what I wouod like— he doesnt realize that I just want acknowledgement and being included in these special events with him…. i feel like repunzel who is trapped up in a tower without ability to leave or enjoy herself. He doesnt show me any love, respect, or appreciation. I know he talks to women eventhough i am not allowed to even be in a working group with a man or woman… he texts, calls, meets and msgs them and states they are friends. I have said I want to leave or it isnt working and am met with violence. His family blames me for his marks he has put on me in their presence. I just am numb to life and feel like all i do is wrong… they even had me convinced I was delusional at one point because my bf and his family are all abusive and wouodnt acknowldge how they had verbally attacked me as well… i want to be strong enough to leave and not go back as I had this time… i want to be string enough to follow my dreams without fear of conflict and violence because he and his family want what he wants and resent me for my education. Help me by telling me how to get better so i can leave and be on my own. (Note i live with him and have no job because I am a fulltime law student ) additionally when i suggest something for he and I to do as a date thing, he then leaves me alone and blows me off snd does what I suggested with a friend of his… so we never do anything..

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  55. Its amazing, knowing that im not alone. I was with my abuser for 3 years. In the beginning, he was heavy on drugs. He got drunk a few times and the abuse got physical, but mainly it was mental and emotional. The lying, the cheating, the drugs…It all hurt so bad. But i left. Then he sobered up and started taking medication, because he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He chilled out a lot and he had gotten so much better. He had changed completely. We got back together. And there was so much love there, between the two of us. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done. It just wasnt the same. I still had all those bad memories. And i just couldnt bring myself to trust him anymore. I was so scared that he would get mean again. I left him again. He is still heartbroken over it and he says he still loves me and wants me to come back but i just cant. I do still love him. I always will. But those memories will never leave me…

    “Our scars remind us, that the past is real”
    -Papa Roach

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  56. Hey anyone that’s listening I’m 23 with a 7 year old and I’m pregnant.. Crazy part is I’m in love with a man that hits me BEATS me. I have know friends. I’m scared to talk to my mom. I work 24/7 and I feel my self losing my mind. He’s been gone for a few days now and I thought that it would be better, but he’s all I knew so now I feel lost. What do I do now??

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  57. Ok you guys. I am a week in. My abusive husband of 8 years finally agreed to move out. I recently had to call the cops on him and he was told if I called them one more time, that it would not longer be my choice to press charges that the D.A. could and would. I am so grateful for myself and my daughter because she is in college and was afraid to leave me alone with him. I would put on a good face so she would leave, but I’ve been suffering in silence. I give all glory to God because I prayed everyday that I would find a way out safely. That bad thing about it is, I feel ashamed and guilty. I feel abandoned and rejected as though I did something wrong. He had the nerve to tell me he left because he needed to fight for his freedom and get his life back on track. His statement felt like his final slap on his way out. I couldn’t believe it. I have carried this marriage most of the time mentally and financially due to his alcoholism. You’re words and your story was right on time. The nights are the longest so I’m always on the internet searching for the calm until sunrise. I thank you and please like one of the others commented, keep writing. It’s helping.

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  58. Whoever you are. Thank you for posting this.
    You saved my life today

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