Help! I Am In Love With An Abuser!

Love. What a confusing word. To a victim of abuse, this word is tarnished, burned as it is used for so many contrasting emotions. At one point, love was wonderful. Love was a connection between two people. It was something you searched for and longed for, something that grew inside you. Something warm and comfortable and exciting. In the beginning of my first relationship,  love was everything I imagined it would be, and more. Love was having someone to cuddle with. Love was finding notes in my locker and getting sweet text messages and having someone tell me that I was beautiful and that I was amazing. Love made me feel alive. It made me smile when I woke up in the morning and smile throughout the day and smile when I got back in bed at night, thinking about love.

Then, slowly, love became my abuser’s excuse. Love was the cause for jealousy. Love made him scared he would lose me, love made him cling and pry. Love was his reason for everything he did. “This is all because I love you so much….I don’t mean to hurt you, I just love you so much it makes me feel like I am going crazy…People only find love like ours once in a lifetime, I can’t let you throw it away.” Love was the excuse for the dirty words. It was the reason he climbed on top of me, held me down. It was what made him follow me, what made him call 50 times in a row. Love was the force behind his fingers as they gripped my arm. It was the pain I felt as he pushed me up against a wall. “Love” was what was responsible for what was hurting me.
The first definition of love was so strongly engrained in me, that by the time the second definition of love came about, I could only see it through the lens of the first. When people ask a victim why they stay with someone who hurts them, it comes back to this progression. If the second definition of love was presented to us first, we could see it independently and identify the flawed language: this is not love, it is abuse. But abusive relationships do not start out abusive. The power of the abuse comes from the abusers position of gaining trust and establishing a loving relationship.
Because of this, love becomes a prison. Love is the reason why we stay. It is the reason why we excuse the abuse and why we don’t recognize it. But I love him. I said it so many times when I was stuck in the cycle. I love him. And I did. As a victim, this is the one of the most important realizations you can make. The love you feel is real and it is strong and at times it feels downright crippling. I didn’t fall in love with a horrible monster…I fell in love with a loving, caring, seemingly innocent boy who was my best friend. I wasn’t in love with the boy who hurt me; I was trying to find my way back to the person he used to be.
If the person you are in love with makes you feel afraid or badly about yourself, start to break down the relationship in your mind. Take it apart, piece by piece. Write it out if you can so that you can see it in front of you.
Without thinking about your boyfriend or girlfriend, think about love in general.
What does love look like?What does love feel like?

Does love make people feel good or bad?Does love make people feel safe or scared?

Does love make people feel better about themselves or worse?

Does love make people smile or cry?

Does love make people feel like they have a voice or should it their voice away?

Think about the people who you love most in your life, like a
younger sibling or a cousin or a best friend. What do you want for them?

Do you want them to have lots of friends or to be alone all the time?

Do you want them do be successful or to fail at everything in their life?

Do you think that they are beautiful? What would you do if they were crying or if they were upset?

Do you want them to have their own opinions about things or do you want them to be quiet all the time and to do whatever anyone tells them to do?

Now think about what you want in a relationship. If you had the power to create a perfect relationship from scratch…what would it look like? What would your perfect partner do or say to you? How would you feel in this relationship?
Think about the relationship you are in right now. Is your definition of love the same as your partners? Does your partner’s “LOVE” make you feel the way that other kinds of love make you feel? Do his actions match what he says he feels about you? Are they loving? Do they make you feel the way that you described love made you feel?
These can be a hard questions to answer because you have to look at the present, not the past; and you have to look at the bad times, not just the good. You also have to separate the words from the actions. You have to separate the person and your feelings of love from the way he actually makes you feel. When I ignored how great everything was in the beginning of the relationship and thought about what I was feeling at the present moment, this is what I felt at the time of my relationship with Dave.
As much as I loved him, I realized that our relationship was not a relationship I wanted; our “perfect” relationship, was no longer there. Dave was no longer the person that I fell in love with. I saw the old Dave in snippets, but the way he treated me was not love. I stopped excusing his behavior and took back my definition of what love was to me.
As you ask yourself these questions, you can start to separate yourself from the abuse. The first step to getting your life back is to be aware of how things really are and to be honest with yourself. What is happening is not your fault. You can’t make it better by “being a better girlfriend,” or “doing everything perfectly.” You are dealing with an abuser. You are being abused, not loved.
I understand that the love is strong. Losing someone or something we really love is devastating. If the person you fell in love with is no longer the person that you are dating, this is a big loss, and it is sad, and it is not easy, especially because outwardly they still look like the same person. Mourn your loss, but hold on to what you really want in a relationship and don’t let the good times blind you to the bad.
My abuser told me over and over that what we had was so special and amazing and that people search for it their whole lives and sometimes never find it. I believed him, and I felt what he said with all my heart. Looking back now, I am so thankful that I was wrong. Abuse is not love. No matter how much an abuser tries to blame the abuse on love. Trust your definition of love and don’t settle for a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself, or afraid, or alone.
I hated when people told me that there were other boys out there, there are a lot of other fish in the sea. I didn’t want any other fish. I wanted things to go back to being good with the fish that I had. I didn’t want to let it go. But surprisingly, everyone was right. It was hard, but I stopped loving Dave.  I fell in love again, with other boys. I realized how much I had been missing out on when I was dating Dave, not how much I had given up by leaving him. And I have found a love that is real, and that is stronger and more wonderful than what I had with Dave.

5 Comments

  1. After reading all your posts I cant believe the things you have experienced are what I am going through. There seems to be so many people in similar situations but you dont meet them in your day to day life, we hide away and pretend everything is fine. This website made me cry so much, the article about things your daughter wouldnt tell you, EXACTLY how I feel. I am 22 now and fed up with living like this. Im scared if I get my parents involved he will get them involved in the violence and they are not like that at all, Im sacred what he might do! I am also scared to break up with him as he will ring my work and turn up there.I dont want to lose my job I am trying to be successful with my life. So I feel stuck. I live at home and I cant be with my parents 24/7 how much can they really protect me. I know it will break my mums heart if she finds out what I am going through. I hope to be like you one day I am glad you are finally happy and I hope one day I can follow in your footsteps and your great achievements x

    Reply
    • I am going through the same thing, and I think you’re very brave for doing it. Stay strong, you are so much better than him x

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  2. I cannot beleive how perfectly you described everything. It’s been over 3 years since I got out of my relationship but I still think to myself “how did I let it go on for so long” or “how was I so blind”. It seems to change without you really noticing. I knew that I kept having to change who I was or disreguard my morals to be what he wanted me to be… to make him keep loving me or to keep him. and I did it… I’m still finding it very hard to believe that I did.. I changed and I love who I was/I am now. I took the slams against the walls, dragging me by my hair,… I took it all until he pulled a knife and threated to cut my face off so no one else could ever love me.
    He continued to chase me out of the house wielding the knife.
    I’m ashamed it took this to make me leave. I should’ve left 4 or 5 years before that..but I am so glad I did when I did.
    I hope your blog reaches many of girls out there. I wish I would’ve seen something similar… but I can no longer look back and wish all i can do is look forward with gratfulness that I have learned what a real man is .. what real love is … and I have even found it!!

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    Reply
  3. I am really glad to have found this website. For the past five years I have been in a serious relationship with someone who has been emotionally abusive to me. Anyone who has met him would never think him capable of half the stuff he puts me through behind closed doors. I love him, but I can no longer delude myself with optimism that he will treat me better. Everything you have said, especially “signs you dating a psychopath” is all the stuff I have been living , feeling and thinking for the past five years. I love him and hoped that we have a future together, but right now I am fully realizing that he is incapable of being a truly loving and caring partner. At this moment I am struggling with making a life changing decision of leaving him, he is 33 and i just turned 29, and I’m afraid to take that leap, afraid of “what if I stuck through it and he could have been a better boyfriend to me”, afraid that I will never find another man and love him as deeply, afraid of ending up alone, afraid that if i don’t make this decision, that I will marry someone who become progressively worse. Sometime I wish that a sign would just appear to let me know what direction to take. Thank you for making this site, because for five years I have felt alone, like I was the only person to go through something like this, maybe in due course I shall get my answer or bravery.
    Sincerely,
    S

    Reply
  4. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4 years and 7 months. We started dating in 6th grade and still dating now that I’m in 11th grade. Everything started out good he was the sweetest and everything you can think of. He moved schools in 8th grade he was far from where I lived he met new people and started liking this girl at his school and later on he had cheated I found out by her and later on by him and I cried but some how I ended up forgiving Him. I was so in love with him I felt like he would change.. I knew he was a flirt but I always felt like I would one day make him stop. 8th grade year was full of ups and downs he would break up with me and come back every time I would take him back. My sophomore year he was always the jealous type he would get jealous for everything. He would tell me not to talk to guy and would tell me what not to wear and what to wear. I couldn’t go “cute” to school because he wouldn’t allow it, even though he knew my way of dressing was how I liked to be but either way I listen. He doesn’t let me hang out with my friend and gets mad when my friends are lovey with me.. He had a cousin who had came out of jail and pressured him to do crack.. He did it for 2 months straight. Of course I didn’t find out until not so long ago his behavior started to change he became more violent. And it started by him just grabbing my arms really hard. He expects me to look him in the eyes when he gets mad. Don’t get me wrong he is the sweetest guy in the world he has gone through so much with the fact that his mom is always pushing him and his brother aside because of her new boy friend.. He had gone through a lot. He is the best except when he gets mad. He had slapped me the first time because he wanted to make me “understand” and because I was being “dumb” he has this really bad temper when he gets angry that he even hurts him self. When he gets jealous he try’s to choke me and says I’m only his and no one else’s he pulls my hair when slaps me when he gets mad he has only hit me 7 times but on days where he has been mad i don’t know what to do.. I feel so lost and helpless.. He feels guilty for what he does and says he can’t seem to control himself but that he try’s to. I’m the only person he has ever laid his hands on.. He crus and tells me he’s sorry. Sometimes I feel like he feels like I’m going to end up leaving him like his mom. But I truly do love him but I don’t know what to do. I have change my way of being due to the act that he hit me. I don’t show that I’m loving it caring anymore. I’m more serious and for some reason get annoyed by him at times I’m not sure if it’s because of what he did to me and everything he has put me through.. I don’t even know if I’m understand able but I don’t know what to do.. He says he’s really going to try to change because he doesn’t want to loose me and I’m so attached because I gave him all of me, everything I had.. And I do t understand why he gets this way when he knows I love him and always have.. And how he’s the sweetest but then the only thing bad is his behavior.. I need advice..

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