knowing that I will never know if you were
watching the back of my head as I did not
turn around. Can I stand up, head in the clouds
on some sort of platform labeled success
and keep my eyes from wandering down
to the gutters where I know you lie. Will I
stop wondering if you see me now, stop
smiling just incase you do, stop holding on
to each breath that I take, as if I must measure
it first to make sure I’ve packed enough life
into each moment now to make up twofold for
each moment that you robbed of me. each bad day
seems somehow worse as it runs through the filter of
the past and I must replay the source of this discomfort
that can never just be a present moment pain.
has it been enough time yet. one day for each
minute. one year for each day. I serve a lifetime sentence just waiting for parole, while you walk
free. and if I try to take any role in retribution,
the only person that I hurt again is me. how many times do i have to decide
to be bigger than all this, to beat it, to never let you win.
how many times must I loosen my white knuckles
and open up my calloused hands and let you go.
how many times again do I tell the universe
that I understand that I will never understand and all I ask for
is peace. peace. that floats like sunlight on the waves of a lake.
that splashes away onto the next wave as I try to snatch
it up. peace that I cannot find in one all-consuming, life
altering decision. It’s never ending. One more time. One
more time. One more time. I choose to live.