Peace

can i walk away now and leave you there knowing that I will never know if you were watching the back of my head as I did not turn around. Can I stand up, head in the clouds on some sort of platform labeled success and keep my eyes from wandering down to the gutters where I know you lie. Will I stop wondering if you see me now, stop smiling just incase you do, stop holding on to each breath that I take, as if I must measure it first to make sure I’ve packed enough life into each moment now to make up twofold for each moment that you robbed of me. each bad day seems somehow worse as it runs through the filter of the past and I must replay the source of this discomfort that can never just be a present moment pain. has it been enough time yet. one day for each minute. one year for each day. I serve a lifetime sentence just waiting for parole, while you walk free. and if I try to take any role in retribution, the only person that I hurt again is me. how many times do i have to decide to be bigger than all this, to beat it, to never let you win. how many times must I loosen my white knuckles and open up my calloused hands and let you go. how many times again do I tell the universe that I understand that I will never understand and all I ask for is peace. peace. that floats like sunlight on the waves of a lake. that splashes away onto the next...

The Journey Through Abuse:

Some Days Some days it feels like all I do is keep starting over. I work and work and work. I run until I cannot run anymore. I write until no words are left. I try, as hard as I can try. And I let it sink in for one small second that I am making progress, and then, I fall. Some days, I figure that this is just the nature of the beast. I’m connected to a group of people I know only a millionth of their names, all suffering a similar life sentence. I understand this in a way the rest of the world will never understand. Some days, I know that it will be like this forever. My life will always be different. It will always come back. No matter what I do and where I go. No matter what I accomplish. There will never be a way to remove this part of my life from the person that I am today. And then there are other days that I want to scream until my voice is horse. I want to scream and throw things and tear it out of my body in whatever way I can. I want it gone. I want him out. I want to be done with this. I want it to have never happened, so badly it takes over my entire body with a force I cannot explain. I don’t want to deal with this for one more second. I’m done. I’m done being a victim. I will never let him win. Some days, I fight. I refuse to let this...